All Churned Up
“I dont really know how to explain it”
I see many women who can’t quite put their finger on it. On paper, it’s all good, they say. Or maybe it isn’t, but that’s not the reason they’ve contacted me.
They try to find the reason - could it be the winter coming, the virus, the family feud, the stale marriage, the new job, the baby coming, the end of an era... but they’re just not sure.
What is sure is that there is a sense of deep unrest. Or longstanding disappointment. Or insecurities, pushed down - nobody must know. All churned up, is how it feels.
It’s hard because these feelings are always there. They may lay dormant for a while and you feel better, and then they surface again, churning once again. And on it goes, throughout your precious life, spoiling things.
I write this little blog to offer you reassurance and comfort. You are not alone is a phrase widely used. We get sick of seeing and hearing it. But, in this case, it is very true. I know this from 15 years of counselling. 15 years brings up an awful lot of churned upness, I can assure you.
So what happens? What needs to be done? How does it go away?
A delicate combination of all things natural is what happens in counselling. When you talk, from your heart; and I listen, from my heart (not my head), something starts to shift. Instead of trying to be clever, and work it all out as if youre a puzzle, we dont try and fix anything. Not a thing.
Your story matters. Your hopes and dreams matter. Your fears and anxieties matter. Your ways of keeping going matter. And staying psychologically ok... it all matters.
As humans, we all need to feel fully understood, we need that feeling that comes when someone really gets us. Then we feel safe. And we can explore our lives a little. We can see how we’ve become the women we are. We can see how we’ve adapted ourselves to stay ok. We can see how brave we are. And very naturally we can get to the root of the issue that continues to churn us up. Because as long as we stay pasted to the surface, the distressed feelings will continue to be there.
So, take heart. If you’re struggling and dont know what to say to me, it’s ok. Get in touch anyway.
In a Time of Covid
We see many lovely images.
Yet in spite of what we see, it isn’t all loving family time, making memories, spring walks together, or golden meadows.
We know that families can struggle at the best of times. And now? Many teens are angry, and are they showing it! As their world has changed, they are struggling to adapt. And the strain is tough on the entire family. The arguments are exhausting. They want to do their own thing. The stress levels are high.
So in spite of how it may look, things aren’t always what they seem.
Our individual circumstances range greatly. Like night and day. So I spite of it all, no, we are not all in the same boat.
Take someone aged 30, happily married, parents aged 60 and live nearby, receiving an income, enjoying a stylish home and pretty outside space.
This person is in an entirely different place to someone who lives in a flat with a very angry partner, children with anxiety/sleep issues/behavioural issues, a mum with copd who lives alone, a dad who goes out to get his paper and is drinking more, little income and risking the shops whilst leaving the children outside the shop to ‘give the partner a break from them’.
The latter is not thinking about learning meditation, baking scones or doing an online yoga class. She’s in survival mode. She’s scared.
Then maybe we can all spare a kind thought for each other, but especially for:
The millions that live on their own and the millions who are trapped in an unhappy relationship. And too for the millions who can’t visit their elderly parents and for the millions who are trying to park their grief.
Let’s not forget to spare a kind thought for the millions who have on-going health issues - they may be afraid of not getting treatment. And too for the millions who are trying to manage without contacting their GP.
We can also spare a kind thought for the millions who are trying their best to support their child, not with school work, but with panic, anxiety or behaviour issues.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. We all know that billions are struggling. Many in silence. Let’s try to remember this.
Springtime is hard for many.
Of course, they don’t say that. Nobody would understand!
Because everyone goes on about lighter, brighter days, and everything bursting into bud. And feeling happy!
But when you’re (deeply) sad the jolliness of ‘spring has sprung’ can be hard going. Autumn and winter is over and it felt ok to hide, to go underground a bit.
Nobody bothered you.
But now spring is here, well, you better jolly well get out there, mingling and joining in. Not forgetting the spring in your step too!
At least in hibernation seasons nobody notices. But now, it feels like an added pressure to look and sound ok.
I get it.
It’s as if the darkness aligns with your inner world. And the lightness jars with your inner world.
The other thing about long, warm days - we are bombarded with images of happy couples, families and friendship groups. It can simply emphasise your own sense of loneliness or difference.
I get it.
Private. Keep Out.
We can talk about the physical symptoms of menopause quite easily, I find.
Do you? We can chat about them, and laugh them off.
We even tend to be reasonably comfortable sharing these physical experiences.
But what about the emotional issues? The sense of sadness and loss? The struggle to adapt to this life transition? What about the change in how we see ourselves? And our relationship, the intimacy?
How do we make sense of this part of our lives?
Who can we talk to about these deeper changes? There is so much that is hidden. If we don’t feel ‘safe’ talking about it, we hide it. Do you ever wonder ...
...what happens to all the unspoken, the unacknowledged, and the unprocessed thoughts and feelings?
Do you ever wonder about the effects of keeping them hidden?
I do. I work with women everyday who are experiencing the effects. The process of releasing these painful feelings is incredible. I can see it in their faces.
So this little blog is to offer you some comfort. You are not alone. The way you feel at this life stage is real. It is valid. And to grow through it all, we need the right conditions... we need a psychologically safe space to talk.
Can we create that for each other? In or out the counselling room. Can we lead by example, do you think? Often when we open up a little it gives ‘permission’ for the other person to do the same. Hidden feelings fester and make us unwell. There is another way.
Perhaps these words here can be experienced as a gentle acknowledgment that painful thoughts and feelings are understandable at this time of our lives.
What I Cant See Won’t Harm Me
It’s well known - what I can’t see won’t harm me. So, I’m sure as heck not going looking for it.
If we think about it, isn’t this what we say and think and feel?
We turn away. From it. We distract ourselves with drink, busyness, buying things... overworking, overeating, overspending. We distract ourselves by filling every nook and cranny with activities. The more the better!
‘It’. What is the it? People talk about it, in counselling, a lot.
It’s really got to me.
It’s reached the point now where it’s just too much...
However hard I try, I can’t get away from it.
I don’t want to talk about it.
I’m just so sick of it.
I just can’t fight it any longer.
I just want it gone.
And so on.
Now this is tricky. Because on the one hand we want IT gone. On the other hand we won’t look at IT. Result - Stale mate. High Anxiety.
Another widely held belief is something along the lines of : It happened. I can’t change it, so why talk about it.
Here’s my take. Whatever IT we are trying to avoid, run from or drown out, isn’t budging. These are known as unresolved issues in counsellor speak. Which is simply hurt that was repressed at the time, and is still here now. IT hasn’t gone away, and IT won’t go away. Until we look at it.
In fact the longer these unresolved issues are avoided, the more they break out in symptoms such as anxiety, mood swings, OCD. And the worse bit? We then up the anti with our avoidance techniques, so, spend more, do more, drink more.
So what now? Honestly, we simply need to turn to face the IT. With a counsellor, preferably. Once we see it, talk about it, feel it, then the effects lessen. It’s quite incredible. Ponder this - if you’re struggling, then there’s a reason. Avoiding the reason because it has already happened will not make it go away. We wish it did. But that’s not how it works.